Zooming with the Aces #17: Feeling Our Ages, May 18, 2023

Row 1, left to right:  Dan Tontz, Fred Elder, Tom Tatlock.  Row 2: Glenna Stearman Park, Diane Rusch Zinn, Mert Lancaster Curtis. Row 3: Calvin Ross, Kay Ellen Consolver, Jane Thompson Olson. Row 4: Lee Ayres, Linda Soderberg McKay, Skip Granger.

Miscellaneous discussion before  personal comments began.

Glenna Stearman Park moderated  the discussion about aging.  With most of us being 80, do we feel 80 or another age?  What is important to keep us involved and add meaning to our lives? 

Kay Ellen Consolver commented we certainly aren’t 57. 

Calvin Ross commented in jest that he started East when he was 13. 

Tom Tatlock has become older, but not more mature. 

Lee Ayre’s age depends on the time of the day. 

Jane Thompson Olson does better in the late morning or afternoon (cocktail time). 

The three in Glenna’s household all observe different patterns during the day for waking and sleeping, but their Australian shepherd pet tries to herd them all into the kitchen at the same time.  Glenna recalled her 100 year-old grandmother’s morning habits that kept her young. 

Calvin’s dad at an advanced age just avoided buying green bananas. 

Mary Lancaster Curtis’s body doesn’t catch up to her daily plans usually; but a list helps accomplish the tasks. 

Routine helps, too, Kay Ellen noted. 

Glenna noted that Martha Stewart’s philosophy is  when you are through changing and adapting, you are through. 

Mary continues to have goals.

 

Diane Rusch Zinn – Lawrence, KS.  I’ve been trying to keep in shape since I was 34 and had my last child.  I needed to stay in shape so I could keep up with her and her children.  I’ve gone through lots of exercise programs through the years and still exercise almost daily; it’s not always fun, but I do it whether I like it or not.  How old I feel depends on the day, the time of day, what I’m doing. and it depends on whether you’re defining your age physically, mentally, or emotionally.  Those are all elements of how we feel about our age.  In general, I feel 70-71, but based on what I see others doing, I’m probably younger than that.  I have a lot of energy and do a lot physically.  I’m sure I’m not up to par mentally these days, but being a part of the website certainly helps that.  Glenna asked if I was still gardening.  Absolutely, I was out three hours this morning, and that’s typical this time of year.  I don’t grow food, just try to maintain about 18 areas of landscaping that need constant attention.  This year, we had to hire help because a surgery I had prevented me from doing major cleaning and mulching.

Kay Ellen Consolver – Litchfield CN.  I just feel like myself; I don’t have an age that I feel. I still have all my bad habits.  I’ve always been a night owl and like late morning.  I just always feel like me. I don’t feel younger, I don’t feel older, I just feel I am.  I exercise some and I’ve had all kinds of surgeries, but I feel I am a healthy person.  I didn’t associate those with age;  I just accepted that I was ill, and I didn’t feel older.  I just feel that I’m me; age is not a factor. 

Responding to Diane who said just because we are 80 doesn’t mean that we are old, Kay Ellen noted it is a stage of life.  In theatrical terms, it’s the last act, which can be the most interesting and the most dramatic.  We have wisdom to contribute.  I think it’s important to realize that we know things that our children and grandchildren do not know and we can be helpful.  I’m going to New York tomorrow to a special luncheon honoring Nancy Pelosi.  She’s older than we are and is still contributing.  So if it’s just helping friends or being involved in charities, we still have something to contribute.  It’s not like our parents when I looked at mine and thought, how old they are. 

Calvin Ross noted that one thing that keeps him on the more youthful side is to be involved in the activities of his children and grandchildren.  Most of my grandchildren are involved in musical events like orchestra and Blue Grass band, but also in sporting events like volleyball, baseball, basketball, and it’s fun to be involved in their lives as they grow up.  That helps me.  I watched an interview recently with a person who was asked the secrets of her longevity and she said you need to have a friend from every decade.

Tom Tatlock – Appleton, WI.  I use a day timer.  I’ve gotten involved in giving a lot of talks on brain injury and have worked to hook up our state with a national organization.  For several years, I’ve been a mentor for our confirmation class which is different from how I was confirmed when we had to memorize stuff.  We meet with the clergy twice a month, and we break down into groups of four (two mentors and two confirmants). Some of those people I’ve been in touch enough to be invited to their weddings.  One thing that keeps me young is that I live in a continuum of care facility and I’m one of the people without a walker.  Using a day timer is really helpful in planning a schedule.  On the blank side I write what I can and can’t do.  The hard thing is we had to sell our house and I miss working in the yard.  Having things to do that are tangible and you can see the results of your work is valuable.  Planting flowers and weeding is not intellectual.  I get together with retired physicians.  I like the idea of getting together with someone from each generation.  We went to a grandchild’s baseball games for years; now he’s a ninth-grader.  At Easter, I was with my younger grandchildren and the eggs to hunt were different colors, appropriate to each age ( pre-kindergarten, kindergarten, and 3rd grade).  It was great to be around that.  Looking for new things, finding what you can do that’s worthwhile,  what you want to be involved in and how to spend your time and energy.  I do Zooms in Dakotas, Vermont, so that’s easier now.  I don’t have to go there; it remains an interest of mine.  This last year has been different for me.  I think those are things that help.  We have grandchildren who are in Tokyo and three in Alexandria.  You keep looking for new things, how to contribute.  I don’t know that I have more wisdom, but I have a lot more time.

Glenna Stearman Park – Montgomery Village, MD. Years ago, my oldest son was thrown out of his house.  He had seven children, ages 2-19.  So he and I rented a town house in Rhode Island and I became the live-in grandmother.  It was a real shock.  With my three boys who were pretty easy to watch, then suddenly all these kids,  I was learning to play Uno and various games that they liked.  I was having to cook a lot; cooking was a real major chore.  My husband and I should have bought Southwest Airlines stock because we flew back and forth between Providence and Washington DC every weekend.  And then, every night, thanks to John Van Slyke for giving me a computer from his closet full of them,  I could FaceTime with them every night.  I would take the two-year old up to bed and maybe the five year-old and we’d choose one short cartoon to watch on the computer and then the little one would pick a book, hold it open to the screen and listen as Grandpa read it to him.  He got to know his grandfather very intimately and we felt like a functioning family unit.  I stayed there for five years and it was a pretty amazing experience.  I didn’t have time to think about my age. 

Tom asked Glenna to follow up on her cooking.  The cognitive therapist at the Mayo Clinic said I should be the meal planner and cook.  When we moved here, most of the social activities were around dinner.  I really miss cooking and gardening.  There’s something nice about creating something tangible that other people like. 

Kay Ellen remarked she must find something to do with her 500 cookbooks. 

Glenna has so many art books and was so pleased when David Kroenlein took her fifteen volume set of books on art for one of his daughters.  When David said yes, I grabbed those books and got them in his car.  It’s interesting what you end up keeping and giving away. Not having anything new to do, I bought two books from the Great Courses – the series on Western Civilization and The Private Lives of People in the Middle Ages.  That was really a fun topic because I used to teach art courses about Medieval art.  I told my students when they came in to do their illuminated manuscript paintings they could choose any book they wanted, but before they came to class they needed to eat something like gruel for breakfast.  That was because when the priests got up at 4 AM, that’s what they ate before they went to prayer and then to their painting.  To make my students giggle, I added that in the Middle Ages, people didn’t wear underwear and they wore really scratchy clothes.  I told them they didn’t need to go native, but  imagine wearing clothes of burlap quality and having had your gruel and painting all day.  It was fun.  One of the things I liked that everyone did at the Reunion was having their high school picture on a fan.  Jane Olson was responsible for that.  Kay Ellen showed hers that she displays in her kitchen.

Linda Soderberg McKay – St. Louis, MO. Linda said that she still cooks and uses her computer to find recipes even though she has shelves of cookbooks in one level of her house and more in another.  I read a cookbook like a novel; I love reading them.  Kay Ellen agreed.  Both still like to cook, even just for themselves.  Linda added how important it is to have a brain burst every day. Young children have that all the time because they are in school learning.  Especially at our age, it’s important to have something that makes our brain think in different ways.  For me, technology does it every day when I try to work something with my computer.  I try to do something new.  

Jane Thompson Olson – Park Ridge, IL  We just finished our third adventure in our RV , and I would highly recommend that for staying young.  We went from Key West FL to the Pacific (Northern California) and we did many different things.  Some days may be boring, but you meet lots of interesting people.  I just like to surround myself with people who are fun and enjoying life.  I don’t think about being 80; I just think about what will be the adventure for the day.  Lots of good times, but now it’s good to be home, visit with the grandkids and kids and we visited quite a few friends along the way.  Who knows, maybe we’ll be at your doorstep one day.  Glenna said she enjoyed reading about Jane’s travels.

 

 

Mary Lancaster Curtis – St. John, KS.   I was just going to say I think I’m very fortunate to live in a community as small as mine.  You won’t have many friends if you just stay with your peer group because there aren’t that many people  It’s amazing how many people live here, different ages, young and old,  and in between.  I just went to a great-granddaughter’s graduation from kindergarten and it was very interesting.  She won an award that no one even knew she was getting because she was chosen as the most helpful student in the room.  What a great award to give a little six year-old who is going to first grade next year.  But, anyway, life is never dull.  I think your attitude makes a big difference because if you don’t have a good attitude, people won’t want to be around you.  You just need to live in the now and be interested in your surroundings. 

Kay Ellen added that her nephew in California was recognized for being the kindest boy in the class.  A little girl had come into the class and had her hair all cut short and the kids were making fun of her.  Kay Ellen’s nephew walked up to her and said, “I think it looks really nice.”  Then everyone in the room changed how they responded to her.

Skip Granger – Sun Lakes, AZ.  I’m staying young by staying alive.  All my friends are dying, so I’m just watching them fade away.  Skip noted that Becky Hesser, Bret’s sister, was Dick Price’s wife, died recently and invited everyone who knew her or Dick to watch the video of her service.  Dick and I are best friends, so Becky’s death hit me pretty hard.  Dick and I were talking that many of us are getting to the point that we need someone as a caregiver.  Let’s all take care of ourselves and don’t let me have to read any of your obituaries.  I was at a physical therapy session, I’ve been to the pool and had my hour of exercise.  I have shared with you guys that I had a brain ablation and my essential tremor is now gone.  I have problems walking so the last three or four weeks I walked all the way through Chandler Regional, so now I plan to go back to KU so I may see some of you there or in Wichita. I plan to be walking with a cane, so don’t trip me.

Lee Ayres – Fresno, CA. Everything on my list someone else has mentioned.  One thing about fitness, I remember talking to Calvin a few months ago and learning that he can still do push-ups.  So I finally got around to doing “a” push-up and the things you can do like pushing away from a wall or countertop to work toward a real push-up.  And I did one today.  At age 80 and six months, it just takes a little longer.  I hear Linda loud and clear about technology.  That’s a way we maintain our mental agility, and several of you have mentioned that.  One thing that immediately came to mind about how old we feel was when Clint Eastwood recently remarked, “Oh, to be 80 again.”  And in that context, I’ll tell you that 75 is a lot younger than 80, at least in my experience with that as a benchmark.  70 is a whole different arena. 

This leads to Kay Ellen’s comment about the last act.  A friend of mine introduced me to the “4th quarter” that I began to reflect and think on in much the way we think of the final act.  Sometimes that can be the most interesting and exciting quarter of life.  One simple objective is trying to stay out of a nursing home.  Tom’s probably in a graduated approach, but that package of weighing less, doing more and sleeping better is something I’m finally getting around to focusing on and doing a little better.  Hopefully, now that I can do one push-up I’ll find some interesting things to do in this fourth quarter.  And I get the impression that Gerald Fry has found some things in southeast Asia to do that I’ll look forward to hearing about because he’s been over there for most of his adult life. 

Just an observation that I think I’ve touched on in a previous Zoom is that there are a lot of unsolved problems in this world,  way too many, whether it be water or immigration or what.  I think a good part of the population just accepts that as a given, which is really unfortunate.  It occurs to me that those of us who are in the fourth quarter, kind of like Tom with his brain injury work, I think can do something to address those intractable problems and nudge some of our younger folks to come up with some solutions. 

Gerald asked Lee if he still collects stamps.  Lee said it’s a memory, but Gerald recalled when Lee came to his house to trade stamps.  Lee remembers Gerald wheeling and dealing at The Forum.  Gerald is still involved with stamps and is gong to a big stamp show on Sunday.  Gerald is leaving for Thailand on Tuesday.

Gerald Fry – Minneapolis, MN, commented that they have condos in two places and move back and forth between them.  He is retiring early and making it to May, 2025.   Then I’ll be in Thailand all the time; now it’s partial.  We found the perfect home for our retirement.  Can you imagine having a condo where my grandfather had goats and kept a journal?  He made goat cheese and goat milk.  Now, in the morning, my wife and I go for a walk and there are baby goats and baby cows that we feed.  Within walking distance of our condo is a very fine cheap golf course, two private hospitals, a medical clinic, and a wonderful state of the art swimming pool.  It’s a great location.  We don’t need a car, there are no steps, so we found the ideal place.  I will still be interfacing with my students because I have students all over the world.  I try to be present for graduations. 

Lee hopes to visit Gerald in 2025 in Thailand.  So does Linda.  Gerald guaranteed the guest room overlooking the ocean.  It’s summer there all year round.  Skip has a friend, Ray Woods of Woods Lumber in Kansas, who is in Thailand.  Gerald asked if we remember Tiger Woods.  His father was the first star athlete at Kansas State.  After that,  he went to Thailand and fell in love with a Thai woman and they had Tiger.

Linda added, before having to leave, about our age, that she calls it the patching period.  We seem to have things happening that we have to keep patching.  Doing that with a positive attitude and laughing about it is a critical piece.  The other thing is how much I enjoy the Zooms.  Linda adopted Diane’s suggestion to interact with store clerks and found that the clerks were really surprised.  Marilyn Tompkins Bellert inspired me to start  traveling, so I leave tomorrow for Paris.  Marilyn is there now and we think we will see each other in Paris next week.   Between Jane’s and Marilyn’s travels, I’ve decided to do that too.  I plan to go to the beaches at Normandy, Mont St. Michel, and places my two granddaughters who are going with me have selected.  They are thinking young and their itinerary definitely would not have been on my list.  I’m very grateful.

Dan Tontz – Dallas, TX. My dad said when I was little, when you’re talking, you’re not learning.  I’ve not really followed that very well.  I thought I just wanted to hear some new things, so that’s why I’ve been kind of quiet, plus taking a few little notes.  By the way, one of the biggest changes was when I got older, like when I was in college, I used 3×5 index cards and would have my checklist for all the things that needed to be done that day.  Now I use a bigger piece of paper.  I have fewer things to do now, but it’s more of an effort to write.  Going back to Glenna and doing new things, I’ve been doing some things I never thought I would do and I’m kind of enjoying it. On the other hand, I’m an oldies guy and I enjoy music from the 50s and 60s.  I watch all the older shows on TV and I even record them so I can watch them over and over again.  On the other hand, I’m a texter; I’m on the Ipad all day, have to charge it by 2 because I use it so much.  I try to stay up on all the current events.  When you ask how old do you feel, I think I’m about 24.  I’m out of college, I’ve done my military service and I can do whatever I want to do.  I can’t remember things very well.  My back hurts, I bought season tickets to the Dallas Cowboys, but I can’t go to the games because I have limited movement and just can’t walk.  I agreed to go to  a Kentucky Derby party, but to get there I forgot I had to drive on a fast highway to go there.  I only drive in my zip code.  Francis does all the night time driving, so she bailed me out and we went together and had a great time.  I’m learning to appreciate the passenger seat.  That’s my story.

Calvin Ross – Johnson City, TN.  I was thinking about the fourth act imagery.  One of the unsuspected things I have found is how a phase of my parenting has changed.  Usually we think about parenting ending when our children are young, graduate from high school and college and get settled, have a career, and that’s true.  One of the pleasant discoveries that I’m still uncovering is how to step up and provide some kind of parenting that’s not intrusive but is somehow helpful to our three children.  Each child is going through fairly significant issues – individual, marital.  Our son Brian’s wife has Parkinson’s Disease and that brings a host of issues for our son.  We’ve decided to meet regularly on a strict, but not formal schedule, with each one of my sons – Dan, who is 54, Brian who is 51.  I’ve started those and they’ve gone very well.  I tell them that all I want to do is walk along beside you to share together in a way that helps both of us. My hope is that we can trust that communication process to a level that they will be able to bring up any particular issue to which I can respond. I’m not going to be heavy-handed and provide any unsolicited advice.  That’s been a very, very pleasant discovery of how I can continue at some level to provide some kind of parenting that I hope will be beneficial. 

Glenna’s son with all the children has established Friday night when they build a fire in their outdoor fireplace and the children know they can go have a talk with him.  It also gives them a sense of privacy.  He’s been doing that for almost six years and it’s been very good for them.

Kay Ellen commented that after her husband John’s death after a long bout with dementia, she stepped back looked over the past five years, and is just now beginning to re-emerge into the third act of the fourth quarter.  Obviously, I can’t recreate what we had, but it helps me think through how I will be engaged.

Fred Elder – Madison, WI.  It’s 3:02, and time has run out and I have to leave for a PT appointment, so we need to wrap this up very shortly.  Moving is not so good, but it’s okay.  We need to get much from our last years.  Personally, I didn’t get much from that article.  I don’t like long articles, but secondly it seemed like they were talking about people in their 50’s.  Heck, that’s the age of our children.  We need to read an article about older people.

Glenna has a psychiatrist and a diabetes doctor who work together and they both check into our website quite often. They read a lot of our articles and are just incredibly impressed with what we are doing as a class.  They’ve never heard of anyone else who’s doing that.  I think that Marilyn, Fred, and Diane have given a huge amount of time to keep this going and I want you to know that there are non high school friends following you. 

Fred said it’s been a lot of fun and I think I’m speaking for Marilyn and Diane.  We’ve had a few moments, but mostly we’ve enjoyed it and people have responded when we’ve asked for stories and so forth.  And that means a lot.  So, if you’ve got a nascent story, please send it to us.  Diane added that Marilyn and Fred are wonderful to work with and can’t imagine a better threesome.  We get along so well, and that’s been a real blessing.

Glenna, sporting glasses all taped up, loses so many and refuses to buy any more new ones.  Skip urged us to look up Alan Patricof, a man who says we can live to be 150.  He has a book out.  He’s 88, just ran the New York marathon. He also jumped out of an airplane and also went to Burning Man.  None of us can say that.  He added his appreciation for the website team.

Fred thanked Glenna for moderating.  Good-byes from all.

Editor’s Note:  Some suggested reading about growing old well, or staying as young as you can include Lifespan:Why We Age and Why We Don’t Have To by David Sinclair; No Red Lights – Reflections  by Alan Patricof; and  The Science and Technology of Growing Young by Sergey Young.