Zoom #34 – How Do You Find Happiness?

First Row, left to right: Marilyn Tompkins Bellert, Fred Elder, David Robinson, Dan Tontz

Second Row: Perry Ann Porter, Diane Rusch Zinn, Skip Granger, Charlie Briscoe

Third Row: Lee Ayres, Calvin Ross, Gerald Fry, Glenna Stearman Park; Fourth Row: Kay Ellen Consolver

The following is a summary, not a transcript, of our Zoom session. If your part needs revisions, let us know.

Topic of the Day:  How Do You Find Happiness?

Inspired by Gerald Fry’s new book: Happiness Education: Holistic Learning for Sustainable Well-Being

Perry Ann Porter, Poulsbo, Washington

I find happiness

     riding along in my car,

          finding a ladybug,

               listening to music,

                    And from happiness within.

 

Skip Granger, Sun Lakes, Arizona.  I enjoyed a very happy holiday season with family and friends. A number of friends knew that I was not able to travel any longer and came to spend time at our place during the holidays.  If I don’t sound myself today, that may be because last week I had an amulet implanted to address cardiac issues. I’m happy about getting that done and reducing the risk of a stroke, but I’ve been sleeping a lot. All day, in fact.  My physical therapist reminded me that I had had major surgery, and that the sleeping was part of healing. This morning, I had a happy experience joining a group called The Tremble Clefs, a singing group for people with Parkinson’s. It was really fun. The leader has a great musical background as does the pianist. The group sounds so good, they are almost professional. Yes, I sang, but I will have to do a lot of makeup work to contribute to the singing. I’m also happy when I can do something kind for my wife Mary Ann. I have health care assistants who come in several times a week, so Mary Ann can get out to do things and have time on her own and with her friends. I have a good time with the helpers when she is gone.    

David Robinson, Wichita, KS. This morning, sitting in my rocking chair reading the newspaper and enjoying a cup of coffee, I was looking forward to the day. When I was 18, I couldn’t wait to get out of Wichita; I had a wonderful term of service in the Army, which took me far away.  After 40 enjoyable years in Los Angeles, I am back in Wichita and very happy to be here. I have many friends and my volunteer work is very satisfying. I’m planning a tour of Hillcrest and having dinner there with a friend.  My niece had worked with him in a place Steve Jobs started. She’s now safe in southern California, away from the fires. There I was, thinking about happiness with family and friends, when – whoops – I’m having a hissy fit because I just spilled my coffee all over the paper and the floor. But I started laughing, cleaned it up, did the laundry, and I’m happy.

Dan Tontz, Dallas, Texas.  Just over 80 years ago in St. Paul, I arrived. I was told that I was a happy kid right off the bat. Making me happy doesn’t take much. I’ve never dwelt on being sad. Mostly, I like to be balanced, in the middle, not way up or way down. What makes me really happy? One is solving problems, getting things fixed. I love home repairs, whether I do them, or hire someone.  Another thing that makes me happy is watching Hallmark mysteries. They are all two hours, and all have a happy ending. Watching them is very pleasant. When my sports teams win (which seems to be less and less these days), I’m happy. Also, I like to help people do things. Most important: the absence of pain means I’m happy. Every morning when I wake up, I check for pain. To manage back pain, I have to exercise, but it works. The other big thing that always made me happy was snow skiing. I skied for 40 years – in the Rockies, in California and New York, in Austria and elsewhere. I was part of a common sense skiing community where people helped each other out. I enjoyed the element of danger, but acquired no major injuries. The fun was going up the mountain. With apologies to Sisyphus, I had a real sense of accomplishment when I made it up the mountain. We won’t talk about getting back down. I always felt real happiness at the top of a mountain. I wish I could still ski.

Fred Elder, Madison, Wisconsin. Enjoying times with my grandchildren makes me happy.  I have a granddaughter studying engineering at the university here in Madison, and we have a meal together every week. Occasionally, her brother flies a plane in to join us. The University of Wisconsin at Madison has a program called Grandparents U in which we actually attend classes and eat in the cafeteria with a grandchild.  This program is a lot of fun as well as educational for both grandparents and grandkids.  All my grandkids talk to me, and this makes me happy indeed. They are bright, interesting, and fun to be with.

Charles Briscoe, Roanoke, Virginia.  I find happiness with my family. I’m just back from visiting grandchildren in northwest Arkansas. My eldest grandson is home from service in Iraq and working through PTSD. He was a sniper and has a lot to deal with. I’m now a great-grandad, which is really fun. Another one of my grandsons is a rising senior at Alabama and a top student. He does not take after his grandfather. I was popular at East High because everyone knew that when I came into class, I would bring the curve way down. Another grandchild is graduating from school as a chef. Two others live in northern Indiana, where my son is a college athletic director and coaches basketball and track. Both are fine athletes. As I’ve said before, I really enjoy announcing track meets. I have two more meets this spring, but will be announcing my retirement. Happiness is being with my grandchildren. I try to abide by the Bible verse, “Whatever state I find myself in, be content.”

Gerald Fry, Bangkok, Thailand.   Nothing is more important to me than happiness. I never expected to write a book on happiness education, but here it is.  For me, the greatest source of happiness is kindness. Gene Carter, one of our classmates, is a good example of that because of all the financial support he has given for scholarships for minority women in engineering in many colleges around the country. He could have used those funds for personal enjoyment, but he chose to give! Money doesn’t make a person happy; social wealth does. I practice this by sending postcards to friends all over the world. Today, I received a letter from a friend on Pitcairn Island, population 46, one of the most remote places in the world. My friend there is a descendant of Fletcher Christian of Mutiny on the Bounty fame.  One of my goals has been to have a good friend in almost every country.  I’m always trying to be kind, because that gives me happiness. I’m planning to retire in May and am looking forward to the freedom that will give me. I’ll still be busy, but making my own decisions about using my time. Writing is key to my happiness.  I wrote three books when I was confined to a 9 month stay in a nursing home recovering from surgery. That was a living hell!  My next book will be How Not to Get Old.      Editor’s Note: See Gerry’s recent 1960 website article on Happiness .

Lee Ayres, Fresno, California. Gerald’s essay on happiness, which I read on our website, was terrific. I was reminded of a sign I saw in downtown Modesto encouraging people to move there and buy homes:  “Water, Contentment and Wealth.” For me, contentment is an expression of happiness. As we know after 80 years, it is sometimes difficult to experience happiness, because of so many moving parts in our lives. Recently, I watched a production of South Pacific. Remember the song “Happy Talk”?  I would echo a point that Dan made: solving problems makes me happy. I experience greater happiness when I solve a problem that draws on my experience and my resources, especially if it’s a long-time problem.

Thinking about this topic, I remembered two times when I felt especially happy.  One was our last East High football game, which was in Topeka. The happiness was that we won, but also because I was part of an amazing play.  At the very end of the game, Greg Long threw a desperation pass, and the wind caught it. You never knew where Greg’s passes would go. This time, he outguessed the wind and the Topeka team.  Somehow, I caught that pass and scored, winning the game. I was happy! The second incident that came to mind was later when I was 25. One day, I was told that I would be drafted at 26 if I didn’t  figure something out.  I had finished a master’s degree at KU and it was too late for officer candidate school. Then, I saw a full page ad in Time Magazine about how you could pursue a direct commission in the Army if you met requirements. I met those requirements and signed up. I found myself in a group of 100 officers who were mad as hell that I had not had to endure the training they had gone through. I had to keep a straight face, but that was a moment of happiness. 

Gerry Fry asked Lee if he still collected stamps. Lee laughed.  “I was just a typical stamp collector, but Gerald Fry knew how to take things to scale. He would go to events in downtown Wichita and trade stamps by the hundreds. Then he came back and reported to the rest of us what he had found.  Recently, Shelley and I were talking about when she worked in the liquor business and remembered many dozens of SKUs for the various brands. Not that many people can keep hundreds of numbers in their heads, but I’m sure Gerald still can.”

Kay Ellen Consolver, Litchfield, CT.  I am recovering from breaking my pelvis as I came up out of the New York subway after attending a play about 17th century painter Artemisia Gentileschi. Happiness is learning about interesting women, and she was extraordinary. After the play and dinner with a friend, I decided to go to Zabar’s, my favorite New York deli. Happiness at Christmas for me includes a glass of champagne and two ounces of caviar from Zabar’s. I also set up a small tree and place my wrapped presents beneath it. This is one of the things I enjoy doing in my Last Act, this play in which I am the director and primary actor. Unfortunately, neither of the trains I could take home was running. I walked very carefully back up the stairs out of the subway, fell flat on my face and broke my pelvis. Determined to deal with this painful situation, whatever it was, in Litchfield, not New York, I took the nearest cab to Grand Central Station. At Grand Central, I found that I couldn’t walk. A helpful passer-by helped me into an Uber. Merry Christmas, Kay Ellen, the most expensive ride ever, two and a half hours back to Litchfield. I chatted  on the way with the Uber driver, who was from India. Realizing that I couldn’t walk, he carried me piggyback into my house and laid me on the couch. Happiness comes from kindness, as Gerry said. This driver was very, very kind as were the two women helpers who got me to the hospital. Now, they are using their healthcare training to help me recover. 

The long recovery is giving me time to do a lot of thinking. I’m sometimes asked which of my many jobs I enjoyed the most. Happiness for me was helping other people advance in the company (M0bil), both men and women.  Some of the men I worked with were mean; they were very hard on women, whose jobs often depended on making the boss look good. Some bosses expected women to get prostitutes for them or go out to get their favorite liquor. Sexual abuse and harassment were constant. I mentored and counselled other employees, helping them find their way around the more obnoxious challenges. I enjoyed working in 67 countries. As a result, I have friends all over, friends who now make up a large family group. We’re still here.

Calvin Ross, Johnson City, TN. I can identify with what’s been shared. As a chaplain, I sometimes teach students with specialists. A cardio-thoracic surgeon taught me something I found very comforting – that the heart is a remarkably resilient organ. I am happy to have three children who are all successful and happy and that at least two of their children (ages 12-14) live close. I’m a Papa Driver, taking them to school and practices when their parents can’t. I try to think of conversations of significance, but avoid being pedantic. Now I say things, like, “Have I ever told you I like being with you?” My grandson’s response?  “No.”  I responded, “Well, I do.” His reply, “Uh, okay.” Like Dan, skiing has been a big part of my life. It began began with my father who skied  in Austria during WWII.  No lifts then; he took a train that stopped at  various stations on the mountain to get off and on. Back home with our family, he took us to Winter Park CO every Christmas week. I’ve enjoyed skiing in Colorado, California, Pennsylvania, Utah, New Jersey, Canada, and around here with my grandchildren.

Glenna Stearman Park. This topic got me to thinking about happy times in my life. One of those was going to graduate school at the University of California at San Diego. I went there with two little boys in diapers and suddenly found myself pregnant with the third. I had to do something for my head, so I went to grad school in art. At the same time, I was in therapy. All week, I listened to professors and self-important young artists pontificating, and then went to the psychiatrist every Friday and  bitched about them. Actually, I was thoroughly enjoying a world I had not known before. I learned about myself and about creating art in ways far beyond what I learned in Philadelphia or at Wichita U. As part of a really active group of artists, I start painting a great deal and also writing about painting and the thought processes behind it.

After we moved to San Antonio, I got an opportunity to curate a huge show, the first exhibition in Brazil by women artists only. It was a very impressive show. Behind art shows, there is always a strategy. In this case, a friend from San Antonio had moved to Sao Paulo, Brazil. Then, how could I get the U.S. government to pay for me to go to Brazil?  I got the support partly by bringing the work of 50 women artists with me to Brazil. That was a really wild experience! During the exhibit, we had to go to the museum every day just to make sure that the lights were turned on. Some of the males who worked there were not pleased that the first feminist exhibit would be in their museum. Before the exhibit even opened, they ditched the invitations. We found the invitations and the Brazilian government had them reprinted and mailed. This experience taught me a great deal about how things really happen and how they are organized. Social arrangements you make determine where your art goes. 

Eventually, I got bored. Writing and making art are much more fun. Focusing on art opened up a whole range of happiness for me. Right now, my grandchildren are all busy with their own lives. They don’t have time to look at my artwork and listen to my stories. So, I am writing stories about many aspects of my art and publishing them on our website. I’m really enjoying the writing. Ultimately, I will provide notebooks full of my stories and samples of my artwork to all the kids and grandkids.

  Diane Rusch Zinn, Lawrence, Kansas. I don’t remember ever being unhappy. So many things make me happy now, and most are the little things of life: having another healthy day, having a good book to read, crossing off all items on my “things to do” list, watching the full moon rise on a nearby hilltop, learning something new to share, hearing a special song and remembering the connections of that moment when it became special, watching spring emerge, being outside tending my property, times and conversations with my kids and grandkids, and having plans for visits and travel with my family. I don’t intentionally seek what makes me happy, just enjoy what does.

Marilyn Tompkins Bellert, Sycamore, Illinois. Like many of you, I find happiness with my family. I am very proud of the six adult children that Gary and I share. They are excellent parents and have raised terrific kids, who include executives, critics, rascally pranksters, divas, kids on the spectrum, engineers, a budding astrophysicist, comedians, musicians, athletes, at least one trans, dreamers, and more – all of them enjoyable and growing into very fine adults like their parents.

I’ve enjoyed listening to you all talking about happiness and thinking about my own. After family, at the top of my list are friends. I’m in touch with wonderful friends from long ago, far away, and from here and now.  Service (public and private) has been a happy and gratifying part of my life since high school. These days, I enjoy being involved with a high school for impoverished but very bright girls in Kenya (see jamskenya.org). This school is changing the future for hundreds of wonderful young women. 

As long as I am mobile, I intend to keep traveling. Each trip includes learning, friendship, adventure, and beauty. Last November, I visited the Taj Mahal and was thrilled by its beauty and tranquility.  As long as I can see, I will continue to find joy in reading and writing every day.  And then there is laughing, which always brings me happiness.

Jim Hamilton (Emailed in from Ft. Myers, Florida).  What a fantastic topic 👏 👌🏾

I have done a lot of research on happiness since September 28th 2022. (Hurricane Ian swept away Jim’s home that year.)

I am pleased to say that I am the happiest person I know.😏

Google’s Artificial Intelligent Search Engine,  “Gemini” has been the most valuable resource for me.  Two important areas are the elimination of Stressful Situations and Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle, focusing on your surroundings,  diet and exercise.

I am surrounded by compassionate friends and I live in a very comfortable home.

Gemini’s response to my inquiry about Happiness provided a “Happiness Program for Seniors.

 Gene Carter (Emailed from Puerto Rico). I had four super friends I saw at least once a month for lunch or coffee for thirty years.  One is still living, and we walked every other day during COVID discussing the world, to the relief of both our wives.  His girlfriend prior to remarriage was secretary to the founding leader of the long-term  W. T. Grant study, George Vaillant, a PhD and MD. He was also the only non-alcoholic on the AA board, which he joined after detecting a genetic component to alcoholism. He has published good books on aging that I recommend.  Here’s the only copy I have of a summary article of his thinking. Vaillant Successful Aging 2000

The most important variable from Vaillant about our age is generativity: get outside yourself and think more about others. What puzzled him most was trying to understand why many men who were objectively HEALTHY felt less healthy and happy than others who had major health problems. He noted repeatedly that MENTAL well-being drove most of the sense of happiness. That’s what lead to his emphasis on attitude and growing beyond self, including grandkids  The study’s findings fit other genders and age cohorts in later decades, too. But the basic Grant study was built around Harvard classes of 1938-42, so a privileged bunch going in, most with family money behind them in those years (JFK, etc.).  So many were driven to be achievers, and decelerating from that is a lesson they had to learn. 

Fred might well observe people like me were already too self absorbed, so any change would’ve benefitted me….😂

Parting Words of Today’s Zoomers

David – Zoom!

Dan – Stay Warm

Perry Ann – Happiness is being with friends and love

Fred – Go Chiefs on Saturday!

Skip – It’s 71 and sunny here

Charlie – Snow is gone. Smile

Lee – Happy New Year

Calvin – Find a friend from each decade

Gerald – In the coming Year of the Snake., I wish you optimal health and happiness

Kay Ellen – No regrets

Reunion Update: The Drury Plaza Broadview on the river in downtown Wichita is now reserved for our 65th reunion September 19-20. We are currently holding ten rooms (9/18, 9/19, and 9/20) that can be reserved starting next week.  If you plan to attend, please reserve a room as soon as possible so we can have more rooms held. Call 1-800-325-0720, and identify yourself as part of group #10138667. Most rates are $134/night; $12 daily parking. Some suites and ADA-accessible rooms will be available at a higher cost. We hope to make sure that all who are traveling have a place to stay together. Our Friday and Saturday night dinner events will also take place in the Broadview ballroom.